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It?s one of those days, and I?m sitting with my face down on the desk, cheek pressing into the cool, man made wood and metal structure. My shirt sleeve is wet with sweat and I feel like I?m bleeding from my eyes. It drips and drips, and burns like whiskey in my throat. I?m fine though, I tell myself, sitting up straight. Scanning the room around me, I know that I?m lying to myself again. It?s just like the time that I told myself you?d come back. Well, you did, but you were with someone else and I began my cycle of despair.

Living is hard when you don?t know why you bother hanging on. Do it for your family, someone told me. Well, fuck that, look what he?s done for me: fucked another man in the room next to mine, knowing that each and every moan and sigh rings out like the shot heard around the world. He might as well be Paul Revere, riding through the moonless night alerting everyone of his infidelity and reminding me of the time when I was his and he was mine. A time when I actually knew why I was here.

But, you have to take it in stride, they say. Who are ?they? anyhow? "They" are not my friends- they?d never be willing to accept the fact that I was with my own brother in ways that no one is supposed to know about. We are the banned book in the library, the topic too indecent for even the foulest of lips to allow to pass through. We are the sound particles, each one coming from the same place, pressed tightly together to create a solitary note of anguish, like the ones I am so used to hearing myself release.

I feel like an idiot, hoping that I will wake up one day and you will be back with me, and not snuggled securely in his bed, his arms and blankets tucked around you. It won?t be his lips that you kiss, his tongue that tangles with yours, his hair you put your hands in and tug when the feelings overwhelm you. You will replace the burn of alcohol in my throat, clean the scabs on my knees from crawling back to you, scrape the dirt from beneath my nails and shove me in front of a mirror and use a pointer to show me all the good qualities you see. I?m just afraid there will be none.

8.12.05 23:37
 


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