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Today is one of those days where Frank feels like he’s trying to move underwater, and it has nothing to do with the fact that the air outside is thick and wet. No, it’s because nothing he does seems to have any impact, no matter how hard he tries. He’s throwing punches and throwing kisses and no one even notices.

Frank opens the front door of the hotel and walks slowly down the street, staring at everything and nothing all at once. When the clouds are finally too full of water, they let the rain fall and he is glad because now the tears can slide down his cheeks and no one will see them.

It’s been over a year, but he remembers the summer nights in Gerard’s car like they were yesterday. Those were nights when he meant something to someone. He remembers Gerard’s arm around his shoulder and feeling like he actually had a chance in the world to be…to be what? Frank doesn’t know, but he thinks it had to have been something more than what he is right now. Right now…right now, he’s just empty space.

But Gerard doesn’t want him anymore and that’s fine with Frank, really it is. Only that’s a lie, even though Frank is the sole person to see it as such. Every breath seems like a lie now. Frank doesn’t see the point in breathing at all when he’s got no one to breathe for.

It isn’t long before Frank ends up on the beach, watching the wind create enormous, violent waves. His shoes are weighing him down so he just takes them off and lets his feet tackle the sand by themselves. He stands with his toes just barely in the water, the waves moving back and forth against them. The water is cool for August but Frank doesn’t even feel it. He hasn’t felt much of anything in days.

First one step and then another and another and Frank is marching himself out into the choppy water until his feet no longer touch the bottom. The waves are pounding over his head, pinning him down, keeping him from the air. Frank smiles despite the salty water in his nose and eyes and mouth.

The water is filling his lungs now, pressing him from all sides. He closes his eyes and knows that, sometimes, drowning is all you can do.
2.4.06 15:15

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